I’m on drugs again.
You know what I mean…the sanity kind. Not the needle or
powder kinds. In case you were wondering. Or are prone to conclusion jumping. My life hasn’t torpedoed quite that
drastically (yet).
I went cold turkey on the sanity pills for two full months
before I realized that I’m just not a worthwhile human being without
medication. In some ways that fact makes me feel sad and inferior. But these
new Steve Austin pills make me better, stronger, faster…and maybe a little
bit…what’s the word?...sane? Ouisa suggested that instead of looking at it as
though I’m inherently flawed and require medication, I should think of it as if
I’m really great and the meds bring that out in all its beautiful nuances. She’s really nice. She should be
in PR.
So but anyways, during the in-betweens time (between being
un-medicated and then medicated again), I felt like my brain was the open,
abandoned farmland for a scary carnival, replete with all the things that scare
me: clowns, spiders, mirrors, axes, etc. Like my brain was the perfect setting
for a horror film or Stephen King novel. I drew a picture of my brain for you:
A Rorschach image of the inside of my twisted brain. |
I can’t begin to explain how much this picture is nicer than
the place inside my head,
Am I scaring you?
Sorry.
And I don’t want to be weird, but I keep hearing Tom Petty’s
“Free Falling” every time I turn on the radio. How is that possible? I do not
exaggerate when I say that I’ve heard that song at least once a day on the
radio (on different stations) since I’ve been in Omaha. It can’t be pure
coincidence. But then again…if the universe is sending me a sign, it’s a bit
on-the-nose, don’t you think? Okay, yeah, I get it, Universe, I’m free falling.
Good grief. Try to add a little mystery to the symbolism, would you?
So, yeah, anyhow, I’m trying to put my proverbial ducks in a
row and write on the regular, but when you’re busy free falling and
entertaining circus folk in your brain there isn’t a butt-load of time for that
kind of shit.
But I’m gonna shoot for a more regular schedule, now that
the clowns are dead.
*Arsenic and Old Lace: Frank Capra, 1944.
I completely understand where you are coming from and just wanted to say that you are not alone. I've had to realize (through crappy experiences) that without medication I can't function. Kudos to you for doing what you needed to do!
ReplyDeleteThank you, friend, for your support. It helps a lot just knowing I'm not the only one. :)
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