"Never half-ass two things. Whole ass one thing."*

    My brain is all over the place lately, but today in particular. I have several things I want to write about, but none of them come together in a conveniently cohesive way, so I’m just going to spit it all out. I’ve done that before, so I feel like it’s okay. Once you set a precedent for letting people down, you’re allowed to do it as often as you want. It’s kind of like how if you have a friend that’s never on time for anything, you stop feeling disrespected and just add half an hour to whatever time they said they’d arrive. Even though you secretly always think of that friend as an asshole.

   So without further ado:

1. I recently started a Twitter account and I really don’t understand what it is. I follow people, but I don’t know what that means. I have followers but I don’t know what that does or what they see. I really don’t understand it at all. I feel really great when someone follows me, but I have no clue why it’s important or how it might improve my life. And if it’s not going to improve my life, why should I do it?

I am, however, a huge fan of their logo. 

2. Yesterday afternoon my friend Laura and I went to our favorite pub in Studio City: The Fox and Hounds. It’s one of those dark, wood-paneled places where all the food is really deliciously bad in that special English way and all the people that go there don’t have to wait for the sun to go down to start drinking.

   Since we aren’t football fans, we weren’t totally stoked to see the huge projector set up for the Green Bay/New Orleans game, but we weren’t surprised either. But there were only a handful of people in the joint, so it didn’t seem like it would be too obnoxious.

   But, despite the FOUR people that were actively watching the game, it was one of the more obnoxious experiences of life. This one douche canoe wearing a Goonies t-shirt kept yelling at the top of his voice every time ANYBODY did ANYTHING. He’d say stuff like, “Oh man, we’re catching up! Oh, we are totally going into O.T.! Oh damn, he fumbled! Oh wow, the sky is blue! Oh crap, commercial break! Oh geez, I need another beer!” He was totally out of line, in my opinion because:

a.     I’m pretty sure football season just started so calm the fuck down, Mister Goonies Shirt.

b.     He was standing in a corner table BY HIMSELF so it was unclear to whom he thought he was talking.

c.      Nobody else was giving a remote shit.

   Then, when we were leaving the bar after the game had ended (a coincidence because we so didn’t care about the game), we passed him as he smoked a bowl right outside the front door. Okay, dude. Whatever helps you relax from the crack you smoked earlier.

3. Though I’m no longer an actor, I was trained as one and even went to college and Master classes for it. I trained and practiced and worked at it for a long time. And so it kind of chaps my hide when people decide out of nowhere that they are now actors. Like they just woke up one day and decided to start going to auditions and making life harder for all the other 8 million working actors in Los Angeles. I hear pseudo-celebrities talking like this all the time. Paris Hilton was in a movie. Kim Kardashian was in a movie. Now Gabby Douglas is talking about how she wants to be an actor. Why? YOU ARE A GYMNAST. You have this whole other career, an amazing income, and absolutely no clue how to act. Why do you want to do it?

   I get that acting isn’t the same as lawyering or doctoring or accounting, and I’m also sure the people in those jobs never have people tell them that they’ve decided to open up their own law/medical/accounting practices out of nowhere and just “give it a shot.” I don’t think “educated” professionals have to put up with the same level of bullshit that actors do. But come on! It’s one of the hardest professions in the world because 98% of the profession is booking your next job because you beat all 500 other people that wanted it. Why do you think you can do it when so many other trained, TALENTED people can’t? Just please, shut up and go back to The Jersey Shore or The Real Housewives of Atlanta or the circus and quit pretending you are an actor.

4. I really like being 30, but I’ve noticed a couple things have changed within and on and around my body. For one thing, I have wrinkles around my eyes. I haven’t decided how I feel about that, but my first instinct was to run out and Botox the shit out of my face. Another problem is that I can no longer sleep 9-12 hours a night comfortably. I keep waking up before my alarm clock. It really sucks, because sleeping is one of the things I do best. And, as I’ve mentioned before, my body hair seems to be growing faster. It could be because it’s still ridiculously hot in LA and I have to keep wearing shorts every day so I simply have to stay on top of the leg hair, but it could also be that I’m old and my body is turning on me. But I’m not going to panic until I get a mustache.

5. I think Predator is a really stupid villain. Predator’s only skill is seeing heat and his face looks like a vagina with teeth. And his head is all pokey and looks a lot like a butt. And he has dreadlocks for god knows what reason and he’s just not that scary. I cannot fathom why they’ve made so many movies about that incredibly lame character. And I'm also ashamed that I've seen every last one of them. Sigh.

Wah-ha-ha! I'm Predator and I'm an upright dog wearing armor! I will tear out your spinal column!!

   Okay, that’s all for today. Excuse the randomness. I feel much better.

*The quote is from Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation. I generally do exactly the opposite of this advice, as evidenced by this blog post.