"Gracious! Do you think she's handsomely paid?"*

   Well, Halloween is upon us yet again and this year I dressed up and went out for the first time in…well, in a long time. And I went over to Tom and Jess’s for a Halloween party. And I dressed up like Holly Golightly.

Cigarette holder made of paper and a hard plastic straw that I spray painted. Then I had to tape the base of the straw so I wasn't eating paint all night long. Sexy? Slutty? Stupid? Who knows?

   Problem was, I think I was at the wrong party. Most of the other people were dressed like characters from King of Thrones or Adventure Time or some other obscure and/or fantastical TV show I haven’t seen and don’t know anything about. 

What other people wore.

Tom and Jess as Finn and Princess Bubblegum. 

   I didn’t know I was even going to the party until two days before and I figured I had a black dress and could make a long cigarette holder so I would be what I like best: a character from an old movie. (I’ve gone as Sugar Kane, Dorothy but also the Wicked Witch of the West (green face paint included), Sherlock Holmes, Dr.Frank-n-Furter and Wayne Campbell. Okay, Wayne’s World doesn’t really count as an “old” movie, but try telling that to anyone born in the 90’s.) I had no idea that I would end up looking like the one thing I was trying NOT to look like: the girl who dresses up like a slut because it’s Halloween. And I’m pretty sure I was the slut at this Halloween party. I was wearing a dress and heels and jewelry. Granted, my ass wasn’t hanging out and my boobs were fully covered, but when you’re standing next to a chick in full body armor or one in a monster suit made of felt, you feel a little slutty. Or maybe like you didn’t try hard enough. 

   I remember walking to a Halloween party when I was at USC. I was dressed like a pregnant nun and every other girl in the universe (especially the girls at the frat houses) was dressed like a slutty version of something. A slutty nurse. A slutty bumble bee. A slutty alien. I felt really unattractive, but I didn’t realize that Halloween had become a slut holiday. My mind raced back to previous costumes: Antigone, Cleopatra, Velma from Scooby-Doo, late-night waitress at crappy diner, Norman Bate’s mother. It became clear to me that I’d always dressed as a strong, fully clothed, independent and decidedly un-sexy lady (Cleopatra and Sugar Kane were kind of sexy, I guess; and Dr. Frank-n-Furter was a sexy man dressed like a sexy lady...so who knows where that one falls?). I felt like Lindsay Lohan’s character in Mean Girls who dresses like “an ex-wife” while all the other girls put on lingerie and animal ears.

   Side note: at the party I was drinking a beer when a slutty firefighter approached me and said, “You really shouldn’t be drinking while you’re pregnant. It’s bad for the baby.” Dead serious. If she’d been joking, we’d be best friends to this day.

   So at this party I felt like I was the slut and it wasn’t deserved. There were two awesome girls there dressed like a slutty devil and a slutty Ghost Buster (Egon? Venkman? Even she didn't know), so that helped a little bit. But they were only dressed that way because they were going to a “booty party” afterwards. So when they left I was alone again, feeling a tad too "attractive" for a Halloween party. 
   But mad props to all the people that went all-out Halloween at this party. It was truly impressive. Special mention has to go to Eric and Kelly, who were dressed as Walter and Jesse from Breaking Bad. That was pretty dope. And not at all slutty, though I did tell Eric he should be in his underpants.

   Next year I’m going as either Thriller-era Michael Jackson or any-era Freddie Mercury. That way I can be sexy but definitely not slutty. I am a lady, after all.

*Quote and costume inspiration courtesy of Breakfast at Tiffany's (Blake Edwards, 1961).

**I also went to a pumpkin carving party at Chad's on Friday where I ate copious meat pies from Porto's, watched Worst Witch (hooray Tim Curry!) and Club Dread (excellent) and made this:

You can't tell from the picture, but this is a white fairytale pumpkin. I had to throw it away today because it started rotting in the extreme heat. It wasn't pretty anymore.

"End of the road...nothing to do...and no hope of things getting better. Sounds like Saturday night at my house."*

          I had a really rough day. It’s like the universe was trying to hurt my feelings.

    I won’t go into it, except to say that it more-or-less ended a moment ago with an 11-year-old prank calling me and pretending to be my ex-boyfriend.

    Okay, now I’m officially cool. I just wish I could be having this experience when I was 11 instead of right now. Right now it's just chapping my hide.

    But what I really want to write about is how feeling sorry for yourself is really an art form. And, not to brag or anything, it’s one I’ve mastered.

    But you can master it, too!

    There are several steps to follow, but none of them are hard. And you can change up the order if you want, except for step one.

STEP ONE

You need to make a list (it can be mental or physical—whatever makes you feel more in touch with your sadness). This is a list of things that are going wrong for you. They could be things that happened today. For instance, you could think about how someone was really rude to you in the Target parking lot (even though her giant SUV was parked outside of the lines and your more modest ride was parked inside of them. Or how you then went into Target and promptly got your period). The list could also be more general and broader in scope: things that haven’t panned out in your lifetime. Thwarted dreams, unrequited love, and money problems are all good places to start. 

Where things start to go wrong: Carrie gets her period; all the girls laugh. Carrie (Brian De Palma, 1976).

STEP TWO (OPTIONAL)

Play a sad song. This could be a song that used to be “our song” with one of those idiots that dumped you (or never loved you in the first place).  I find it’s better if the song is epic and performed by a really solid band or singer, but sometimes a power ballad will do just as nicely. In a pinch, you can play something really trite and awful. Here are some examples of all three:

1.     “It Must’ve Been Love” (Roxette)

2.     “Rain Song” (Led Zeppelin)**

3.     “When You’re Gone” (The Cranberries)

4.     “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?” (Michael Bolton or, if you prefer, Jessie and Slater from Saved By the Bell.)

5.     “She’s Gone” (Darryl Hall and John Oates)

6.     “It’s Only Love” or “This Boy” (The Beatles. Okay, so I know most people would say “Yesterday” but frankly I find that song cloying and overrated, but I’ve always been more of a John than a Paul. Also, perhaps, given as it’s “the most covered song of all time” I’m just bored with it.)**

7.     “Taxman” (The Beatles. This one is only helpful if you’re sad about money.)**

8.     “Does He Love You?” (Rilo Kiley)

9.   "They Can't Take That Away from Me" (George and Ira Gershwin. Fred Astaire's version is my favorite.)**

10.     “Why You Wanna Break My Heart?” (Tia Carrere as performed in Wayne’s World. Actually, I can’t figure out who wrote this song. If Tia actually wrote it, I would die of joy.)

11. “As Tears Go By” (The Rolling Stones. This song pretty much covers depression in any form.**

"I think we both know there's no film in this camera!" Tia's music video in Wayne's World.

STEP THREE

Take a “rape shower.” That’s the thing of where you sit on the floor of the shower (while it’s running, of course) and wrap your arms around your knees and cry while you rock back and forth and the water cascades over you. You may know it from many Lifetime Original Movies where a character is somehow violated sexually and “can’t get clean”. Eventually, you will not know the difference between the hot water and your salty tears: this is good. This is the goal. It’s best if you do this with the lights off. More dramatic that way.

I made you an illustration of a "rape shower."

STEP FOUR

Now you need to put on something stretchy and comfortable and ugly. Extra points if it’s black or stained.

STEP FIVE

Use your sadness as an excuse to drink something alcoholic.

STEP SIX

After you’ve had something alcoholic to drink, you should start writing in your journal about whatever thing is going the very worst in your life. If your tears are staining the paper and smudging the ink, you’re on the right track. This step could also segue into writing a poorly considered letter or email to someone who did you wrong by not understanding you or loving you hard enough. This letter should only be written under the influence of alcohol, so that you can later blame the alcohol for every dumb-ass thing you said.

STEP SEVEN

Start feeling hungry because you’ve had a drink (or four) and see if you can’t find comfort in the fridge. Maybe there’s ice cream in there (this is cliché, but ideal). You see, ice cream is good because it has sugar and it’s cold. It will wake you up a little bit so you can finish all the other things you have to do while you’re feeling sorry for yourself.

STEP EIGHT

If you have a change jar, dump it out and count it. Be sad about the amount of money in there, no matter how much there is. That money is in coins, and therefore does not add to your fortune unless you're willing to a)buy coin wrappers, b)let Coinstar take 8% or c)be the person everyone at the bank hates despite the fact that counting money IS THEIR PROFESSION.

STEP NINE

Accidentally spill something (coins?) and then have a lot of trouble cleaning it up. This should feel like one of those improbable scenes in a movie. Maybe, in your attempt to clean, you will make the mess even worse. This is good. The frustration will contribute to your sense of helplessness. The fact that it feels like a movie will make your life seem more epic and therefore your problems will seem more important and unsolvable.

STEP TEN

Look in the mirror. Notice your flaws and really concentrate on them. This really helps you to feel bad, especially if the ice cream made you stop crying for a while. Think about how fat you probably are now that you’ve had ice cream. Think about how alone you will always be because you are a fat, crying, ice cream eater.

STEP ELEVEN

Crawl into bed. Be sure to lie in the fetal position. Wait for sleep. You've earned it! If sleep doesn't come immediately, consider playing one of your sad songs on repeat until it does.

    That is all. But you can add more if the spirit moves you. Things like reading your horoscope, weighing yourself, lighting candles, watching romantic comedies, getting a cat, and lying on the kitchen floor can always help, if you feel like you aren’t quite getting where you need to be.

Guaranteed to make you sob: Wuthering Heights (William Wyler, 1939).

    If you have any trouble with this plan, you are obviously not concentrating hard enough on how bad things are. Refocus. Go through the steps again. It’ll happen with effort and time. 

    I am available to answer any questions or to field suggestions on other songs that can aid the self-pitying.

    [Disclaimer: Weak people piss me off. So make sure you get over yourself when you wake up in the morning.]

Happy tears!

*This quote is from my personal icon, Eeyore (Winne the Pooh, A.A. Milne).

**These are examples of sad songs that get extra points because they were written by bad-asses back before it was "okay" for boys to cry. Now boys cry all the time. And I say: good for them!

Oh yeah. Two more things:

1. I will probably add more songs to that list. My brain is foggy from feeling so sorry for myself.(That, by the way, is also a sign that you're doing it right. Fogginess is good.)

2. Please subscribe to and/or follow my blog! Please! If you don't that's okay. I'll just feel sorrier for myself.