Thursday, January 19, 2012

"It is sooooo drafty! They much be catching cold all the time!"*

Tony and Jack as Josephine and Daphne.

            No offense to men (because I love men) but goddamn you, men!

            I’m not really mad at men, just mind-numbingly jealous.
            I talked at length to my mom tonight, who later told me that she’d been lying in her bed for the duration of our conversation because she was having a hot flash. What?
            “You’ve been out of menopause for years!” I seethed, angry with god or the universe or “the big bang” or evolution or whoever created the uterus and those pesky ovaries. I was just plain angry that my mom still has to put up with these kinds of blatant shenanigans.
            “Yeah, but my mom tells me it never really goes away.” She said, referring to my grandma. She seemed like she was okay with it.
            I’m really not okay with it.
            Despite musicals like Bye, Bye Birdie and Flower Drum Song, it’s not always so lovely to be a woman and I do not always enjoy being a girl.
            Yeah, sure, make-up is fun, and pretty hair is fun and even childbirth is fun (yeah, I’m sure squeezing a watermelon through a kiwi-sized hole is a really delightful adventure!). But seriously, guys have it better.
            Let’s do a little comparison:

Bad Things Associated With Being A Man

1.     Wet dreams in adolescence

2.     Erections at weird times (especially, but not exclusively, to be fair, during adolescence)

3.     Always pants or shorts, and if you wear a skirt: ridicule!

4.     No nail polish unless you’re punk, and if you’re not punk: ridicule!

5.     Debates about circumcision (though it seems that if you’re raised as a man, you are automatically confident and therefore whatever your penis has going on is the “preferred thing” if only in your mind.)

6.     Hair: shaved or beard or some variation in between (e.g. goatee, mustache or fu manchu)? On head: long or short?

7.     Judged on: height, penis size, how much hair is on head.

Bad Things Associated With Being A Woman

1.     Periods, cramps, associated embarrassment in adolescence

2.     Periods at weird times and hormones associated with that nonsense (and let’s not forget the associated expense that goes along with those things: pads, tampons, laundry detergent, new underwear, etc. I should have invested in Tampax years ago: just like death, tampons are a business that keeps on booming.)

3.     Pants, shorts, or skirts, but if you wear a skirt you better look “sexy” in it and it better not be too short because then you’re a “slut” but if it’s too long, then you’re a nun, so you better spend 5-10 years figuring out what the proper length of skirt is and how much you should be wearing underneath it (underwear, tights, shorts, leggings, and (just to be safe) a pair of pants?)

4.     Nail polish required, unless you go to Catholic school and it’s deemed inappropriate and you’re left questioning what “appropriate” even means and why your nails factor into the equation in the first place.

5.     Hair: shaved from armpits, legs, face (in some cases), stomach and nether-regions? Some variation in between? On head: long or short? Blonde, brunette, black, redhead? Curly, strait, wavy, relaxed, extensions, blow-out or shaved?

6.     Judged on: height, weight, breast size, hip size, stomach size, arm size, hand size, smell, hair (presence and lack thereof), lips, skin, how bad those periods might be, etc…

7.     Uterus: this thing can get pregnant if a man puts sperm in it (I’m sure it works something like that). Therefore, the need to keep this thing from getting pregnant (or go to agonizing lengths trying to make it be pregnant) is another huge expense. An expense that falls largely in the woman's lap, if I may say so (and I did say so, so deal with it).
8. The fact that even after you've passed through the years of heinous period cramps (and the expenses associated with them), after the years when you could still viably conceive and carry a child, you still have to deal with NONSTOP BULLSHIT! Hot flashes and hormonal fluctuations and weird hair growing in never-before-known places (not talking about my mom with the hair, so we're clear)! It's fucked up!

            Okay, so like I said, men just have an easier life. They make more money for doing the same jobs that women do, they are better at “managing their feelings” (i.e. they never have to discuss anything if they don't want to and that's okay with society and, apparently, with women) and they are trained from birth to feel really good about themselves.

            But, to make myself feel better, I’d like to point out what they don’t get to do:

1.     Wear ball gowns. I mean, technically they can, but they usually don’t and who remembers George Clooney’s tux from the Golden Globes? NO ONE. Thank you.

2.     Have babies. Men are notorious weenies when it comes to pain, so they probably wouldn’t have babies, even if they could. But they certainly act like they did it, anyway, so this one’s not so great.

Um… that’s all I could think of. Must be really nice to be a dude.
You got any other points on this topic? I'd love to hear them!

*Jack Lemmon realizing what it's like to wear a skirt. Some Like It Hot is probably my favorite movie of all time. While Tony Curtis' character uses the opportunity of living as a woman to score a woman (Marilyn Monroe), Jack Lemmon empathizes with women so much during his experience pretending to be female, he actual starts to become a woman. (Some Like It Hot, Billy Wilder, 1959).


  1. Oh Lacey, you're so silly. If it makes you feel any better, I don't even THINK of you as a female. ~giggling at the snark, the wonderful wonderful snark~

    1. Thanks so much, Phil! You are such a sweetheart!