"The best thing is to look natural. But it takes make-up to look natural."*

   I know I’m not old, per se, but it seems (sadly) as though I keep trying harder and harder to be YOUNGER. Where did these crow's feet come from and why are my chins multiplying? I feel young, but I look atrocious.

   It's not that I don't make an effort. I work out. I try.

   For instance, this evening I spent a good half-hour putting on make-up on the off chance I might meet some friends for a movie. And when the movie didn’t pan out, and I came home early, it took me twice as long to take the make-up off as it had to put it on.

   At the present moment, my face is covered in moisturizing SPF and Retin-A, in an attempt to make my pores shrink and my crow’s feet to go the fuck away.

   Sister Ouisa, who is engaged, asked me at Target the other day how she could perfect a “youthful glow” on her wedding day. We were perusing the make-up aisles and sampling “illuminating serums.”(God I hate the word "serum." It sounds so pretentious, especially when used to describe a make-up product. I apologize for having used it.)

   I started thinking about my make-up regimen: tons of concealer and tinted moisturizer (for wrinkles and huge pores), eyebrow pencil (to make it look like you have two full eyebrows, and not one-and-a-half eyebrows due to one of them balding in a strange way), boatloads of eye shadow to make my squinty, pathetic eyes look like normal-sized ones, an eyelash curler and three pounds of mascara to make it look like I’m awake and not half-asleep and slightly drunk. And when I'm good and doing all the things I'm supposed to, I spend way too much of my day brushing and washing and moisturizing and plucking. It's so sad and boring, but if I don't do it I look like I stayed awake all night crying and drinking. And I hardly ever do that anymore.

   When did I become so decrepit? Ouisa seemed to think it would be preferable to go to a professional esthetician, instead of randomly buying and trying all the different drugstore make-up. I had to agree, provided she doesn't go to one who will make her look like a whore clown with tons of eyeliner and rosacea blush. She still has pretty skin and one chin and big eyes and normal-colored hair.

   But I drew a picture of my pathetic efforts to slow down my aging face. This is how I look after I “put on my face.” So, so sad. And, coincidentally, I look like a whore clown nearly every day.

Can't hide the monster inside.

 *The quote is from Calvin Klein.