"Show a lot of things happening at once, remind everyone of what's going on. With every shot, show a little improvement: to show it all would take too long. That's called a montage. Even Rocky had a montage."*

   What up, bitches soul siblings?

   Sorry for the radio silence on my end this week. I’ve been vacationing in San Diego with my mom (more on that later). I'd like to get right to it because time is of the essence and all that.

   What I’d really like to talk about today is my deep and abiding love of the movie montage.

   I had an opportunity to watch Overboard for the 18^th time (okay, actually I was forcing the kids I nanny to watch it, so it was more of an opportunity that I created and then forced on other people. Semantics.) and it sparked the same great sense of joy I had the first, eighth and twelfth times I watched it. And while the movie has many redeeming values (huge Goldie Hawn fan. Huge. And I love Kurt Russell. And Edward Herrman. And Katherine Helmond and Roddy McDowell. And that kid from Honey I Shrunk the Kids.) this movie scratches a particular cinematic itch of mine. See, I’ve always been a sucker for a movie with a montage. Especially a cleaning montage where a room goes from disgusting to tidy (or vice versa) or a montage that turns an “ugly” person into a “beautiful” person.

   Montages are entertaining and practical: they cut out a lot of actual movie time (and I can’t stand movies that are longer than and hour-and-a-half) but they also ADD fake movie time. They add days and weeks or even years to a movie while still getting you through the movie in a seemly amount of time. They are a win-win. Also, they usually incorporate some wonderful (or good enough) song that you sing in your head all day. (In the case of Overboard, that song is “Jim Dandy to the Rescue” and it is played not only over the cleaning montage, but again later at the bar where Annie and Dean have her birthday celebration and he romantically informs her that she’s just turned 29. There may only be that one song on the soundtrack to Overboard, come to think of it.)

   I sometimes wish my life had a montage or two instead of always taking place in real time. Like, oh, Lacey was a super unsuccessful, fat slob at the beginning of this montage, but a mere two minutes later she’d lost 14 lbs and established herself as a major executive at a Fortune 500 company. That would be neat and also really convenient.

   Here are some movies I love that contain EXCELLENT montage sequences. I will definitely be forgetting many, so I’ll update this list in the future. And your input is, as always, welcome so long as I find it useful!

1. Overboard (not just the cleaning montage, but also the mini-golf course design montage).

2. Sound of Music (when she teaches the kids to sing/like her while they traipse about Vienna in curtain clothes).

3. Karate Kid (I think that whole movie is a montage…).

4. South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut.

5. Big Business (it has several but I especially like the one where Rose—the  Jupiter Hollow Rose—goes on her guerrilla mission to disseminate information about Morimax, and she dresses like a southern belle from 1865 and orders mint juleps and secretly stamps all the napkins in every restaurant with "Axe Morimax").

6. Pollyanna (the part where she tries on new clothes).

7. Clueless (when they give Tai a makeover. The only problem with this montage is that it’s too short).

8. A League of Their Own (when they do all the baseball stunts so people will start coming to their games).

9. Easter Parade (where Hannah goes from being a bad version of Nadine to rocking things out in her own, beautiful way and thereby making Don and the world fall in love with her).

10. Wet, Hot, American Summer (when Gene leads Coop through a totally indecipherable series of exercises aimed at an unclear goal while "Higher and Higher" plays over it).

11. Arrested Development (when Michael and Steve Holt train for a triathlon over an original composition called "Keep Those Balls in the Air."). 

12. Prancer (when that homely little girl that's obsessed with the reindeer cleans that scary old woman's upstairs room. I can't tell you what a huge sense of satisfaction that scene always gives me). 

   Hmmm…I’m coming up short already. But I did draw you a picture:

This is my interpretation of a classic "makeover" montage. The best kind of montage there is.**

   I’ll think of more later.

   In the meantime: it is very important to live each moment of your life to the fullest and be present in the now, etc, etc…and so on and so forth.

*From South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut. (Trey Parker and Matt Stone, 1999).

**Another drawing inspired by the indomitable Sammy Resnick. 

"If you are blue it's easy to shake off your cares and troubles."*

Ann Miller shakes the blues away in Easter Parade.

            I’ve been slow to post in the last few days (week) and it’s not just because I’ve been eating for six.

            At the risk of sounding like a bah-humbug, I have to say that Christmas, once again, depressed the shit out of me.

            It’s a beautiful time of year, sure. People put lights on their houses and trees, frosted cookies in festive shapes abound, and I saw several yahoos driving around with antlers on their cars.

            But it’s also kind of a bummer somehow. I always end up feeling fat from all those cute cookies, the music is somehow sad because it reminds me of being younger and more excited about gifts and parties, money flies out of my bank account at incredible speeds, and the days are short and cold.

            Are you depressed yet? I hope not.

            This post is supposed to be about what I think can make the most sullen Scrooge McDuck feel a little bit better about life, even if it’s often more fun to think that life is meaningless and lay on the couch in the fetal position watching Sarah McLachlan sing about saving all the unwanted dogs and cats of the world (always thought that song was supposed to be romantic—boy was I wrong!). 

Sarah McLachlan's ASPCA ad.

            Here are my suggestions for riding out the holiday season, such as is left of it:

1.     Watch a movie that has NOTHING to do with Christmas. In fact, I did that one better and watched a movie about Easter. Easter Parade, to be exact. Now Easter is supposed to be the really big deal in the Christian calendar, because of the Resurrection and all that, but it often gets passed over (no pun intended, though I’m chuckling as I write that. I’m so clever!) because Christmas involves presents. But Easter Parade has nothing to do with Easter, and it’s just so damn happy that you can’t help but feel a bit better after watching it. I’m a sucker for Fred Astaire and Judy is at her finest, as I know I’ve mentioned before.

2.     Throw some stuff away. I went through my storage closet and started rummaging through boxes I hadn’t opened since I moved into this apartment seven-and-a-half years ago. Scary. And fun! I found clothes I didn’t want, spools of yarn from my short-lived knitting phase, a bunch of college papers and the screenplay my friend Gabe and I wrote in high school.

3.     Find the screenplay you wrote in high school with your friend Gabe. Ours was entirely handwritten in pink gel ink inside a red notebook. I actually couldn’t tell my handwriting from Gabe’s. After reading that, I couldn’t stop smiling for days. I’m smiling right now just thinking about it. And I’ll probably read it again tonight. And not just because it’s brilliant.

4.     Start your New Year’s resolutions early. I put the kibosh on eating entire hams and batches of cookies when I realized that I wasn’t at my parents house anymore, the scale thinks I weigh ten pounds more than I think I weigh, and I hadn’t exercised in six days. It’s only been one day (or 9 hours), but I already feel a lot better about my prospects for 2012.

5.     Reread a book you haven’t read since you were in fourth grade. I chose Island of the Blue Dolphins. I highly recommend it. And it won’t tax your brain, which is key if this suggestion is going to make you feel happy.(And don't start thinking about how you'd never make it on an island by yourself for 18 years. That's counterproductive and it's unlikely you'll ever be in that situation anyway.)

6.     Stop caring so much. I’ve decided to adopt a more hippie philosophy for the days sliding into the New Year. So what if life isn’t quite what I want it to be right now and I’ve not met my potential financially, romantically or artistically? There’s always the first of January looming and I can turn it all around then. In the meantime, I’m going to relax, bathe when it suits me, watch some bad television and let this year die with dignity.

            I hope this doesn’t make it sound like I’m really depressed. I am, but that’s not the point. This is supposed to be a funny blog, so I’m giving you the best I got at the moment. Here’s to the end of the old year!!

*This quote is from "Shaking the Blues Away", a song from Easter Parade. It was performed by Ann Miller and written by Irving Berlin. It was pointed out to me by one of my charges that most of the famous Christian holiday songs were written by Jews. He is so right. Love it.

"The best things happen while you're dancing. Things that you would not do at home come naturally on the floor."*

Judy Garland in Easter Parade, 1948.

I am in a foul mood.

What I would like to do more than anything right now is watch a musical—preferably Easter Parade or Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

Both of those movies (and musicals in general) cheer me up and you want to know why? Because nothing can ever be too terrible in a world where people randomly break into song and entire towns seem to have spent months painstakingly rehearsing intricate choreography.

Millie teaches the brothers to dance. They pick it up really quickly. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, 1954.

But I’m at work and I couldn’t pay these kids to watch a musical. They’re far too grounded in modern filmmaking—they can’t stomach a black-and-white film or special effects from before 1995. Once I showed them Willow and they admitted that the special effects were pretty good “for an old movie.” Good grief. 1988 is not old, first of all. Anything born at the same time or after me is young. So that’s practically brand spanking new!

I admit that I do tend to like “old” movies more than most people of my generation (outside of filmmakers and cinephiles, of course), but that’s merely because I wasn’t allowed to watch anything new until I was a teenager. I actually thought movies were only made in black-and-white until I was about eight.

The lengths I would go to for some quality time in front of the television as a kid would embarrass most people. But I grew up in a very Catholic, somewhat bizarrely strict house where we were forced to pride ourselves on the “higher” pursuits: reading, classical music, homework, struggling to learn Greek or the history of Ireland at the dinner table, attempting to be entertained by conversations. You know: boring, Jane Austen-type crap.

My sisters and I were allowed television only on weekends, and then only at strictly predetermined intervals. It was annoying, to say the least, because I’ve always adored TV. I managed to stay entertained anyway because, at one point in time, kids played outside. We had stuff like bikes and these things called “balls” and sometimes we even played this weird game called “tag.”

Today kids play on their iPhones and don't know how to read books printed on paper--they can only maintain focus if the stuff is printed online. Weird.

Wow, maybe I am old.

You know what’s funny? While I’m writing this, the kids I nanny are outside playing basketball and screaming and running around. Wow, I’m a really superior caretaker, yes? But it is sort of ironic—now I’m the one abusing technology while they play in the fresh air.

Anyway, when I started my freshman year at college, my roommate brought a 14-inch TV and I was beside myself, mindlessly watching any show that happened to be airing. I thought things like Cheers and Who’s the Boss? were new shows. I had no idea they’d been off the air for 15 years. It was a very exciting time.

Who's the Boss?

But I maintain that my favorite part of watching any movie or television show is the escapist element, and nothing meets that need quite like a good musical. It’s somehow more impactful when a character expresses him- or herself in song. Or when you can tell people are falling in love because they’re dancing together on a bridge in Paris. Or on a rooftop in New York City. Or on a soundstage on the MGM lot. And sometimes their costumes change IN THE MIDDLE OF A SONG. It’s like magic!

And when you’re in a foul mood or feeling sad, there’s nothing like singing a torch song with Judy Garland or Marni Nixon to get you fully into that truly self-pitying, pathetic mind set that feels so bad it’s good. (“Look at how tragic I am, world! It’s sooooo SAD!”)

Man, I could really use some magic today because I am a grade-A, cranky bitch and I’m taking it out on everyone around me.

But the kids have decided to watch Elf tonight. And that has some magic, too. Nothing could be too terrible in a world where Ed Asner is Santa Claus.

Ed Asner or Santa Claus? Or both?

*"The Best Things Happen While You're Dancing" by Irving Berlin, from White Christmas, 1954.