"I feel like the real me is just cooped up inside, you know? And I want so many things. I want designer clothes. I want to see the world. I want a penthouse in the sky and a maid to pick up after me. I want to say things like, 'Keep the change.' God, sometimes I get so bored I find myself just praying for a UFO sighting. I'd stand here and say, 'Come and get me! Come and get me!'"*

   I’ve mentioned before that I have issues with boredom. Because they are such real and pressing issues, I’ve got a whole new post about how bored I am. But even more, I have an existential-type question: is life really just a long string of moments that I have to find ways to fill in between bouts of sleeping? I ask this partly because I don’t sleep as well as I used to, so what used to take up a good 12 out of every 24 hours now only takes about 7. And I'm asking it also because I want to know. For real.

   I would like to attribute my near-constant boredom to the fact that my brain is just so enormous and full of intense, unique, brilliant thoughts that I can’t just settle down to a book or a movie without feeling like I’m somehow wasting time. But the reality seems to be closer to this: I’m really fucking lazy. When I’m watching TV, I could potentially be darning, say (if I were to learn how to do that) or drawing or…I don’t know, doing sit-ups. But all I normally do is a crossword or Sudoku. Or I eat copious amounts of popcorn and string cheese. But here’s the thing: I can’t just sit and watch TV. Even that is too boring. I have to move my hands around, even if it’s just moving them from the popcorn bowl to my mouth. I can’t sit still, but I can’t be productive because nothing productive sounds remotely entertaining and getting up would require the expenditure of energy or thought or drive: and I don’t seem to have any of those things.

A cow jumping over a spaceship in an attempt to get to the moon.

   But then, sometimes, I will have spontaneous bouts of needing to feel productive or at least busy and I have NOTHING to do. What do people do? I used to go out drinking a lot, and before that I went out drinking coffee a lot…but neither of those things sound very appealing to me now. But that’s also because I don’t really have money to spend for going out and having fun. And both coffee and drinks can be found in my apartment, so why deal with other people (Oh my god. I’m a hermit.)?

   No, but seriously, what do people do to stay busy? What is it? Tell me!

   That question was rhetorical because no one ever comments on my blog and answers my questions and because no one could possibly answer that question while I’m still writing. So, until someone answers me or I receive a sign from god or a link to a website with all the information I require, here are my ideas for future boring moments in my life (like the moment that will surely occur two minutes after I finish this post…a moment which I must seem to be dragging out by making this sentence last forever):

1.  Play hangman with myself: my rationale is that if I create the unknown phrase in advance and wait a week or two, I won’t remember what the answer is and the game will be fun. The downside is: I won’t know if I got the answer right.

2.  Plan the perfect murder. I do this anyway, but this time I will do it for real. And then execute it. Or sell it to someone with a vendetta. One of those two.

3.  Try to hold longer planks. At this point, I can only go for 30 seconds or so, but maybe I can stretch that to a longer time—yeah, this idea is already boring me.

4.  Learn magic tricks. Everyone loves magic tricks!

5.  Join an all-girl kazoo band. Just kidding. I hate girls. Just kidding. I stole that idea from Community. I don’t think there are any all-girl kazoo bands and I certainly don’t have the gumption and energy to start one myself.

6.  Do my homework. I’ve been in marketing class for 8 weeks now and I’m approximately 3 weeks behind on the reading. In my defense, the book is both very dull and disturbingly dated but I still want an A in the class. I can’t ever shut off the need to get A’s. It’s been ingrained since kindergarten. My C+ from my college scene shop class still haunts me.

7.  Buy the Rosetta Stone and attempt to learn Portuguese? Or…what’s the most useless language in the world? Erse? Esperanto? That’ll take up some time.

8.  Play tic-tac-toe with myself. Question: why do I always lose when I play tic-tac-toe with myself? You’d think I’d wrangle it so I won at least occasionally. But I play both sides to win. And…now that I’m thinking about it, once you understand how tic-tac-toe works and your opponent knows too, how can anyone ever win? Interesting. But not in a way that nullifies boredom.

9.  Learn ukulele. Even if I never learn to play anything, it’ll make me seem quirky and unique like those girls in movies that are always charmingly falling down or accidentally dying their hair blue or absentmindedly killing a cat and everyone thinks it’s super charming in the movie, but in real life a girl like that would be bumped off by a neighbor within a week.

10. Make lists: about where I would go if I had money, states I’ve been to, state capitals, types of trees, plays I’ve seen, people I know who have kids, colors I like. Sadly, I already do this one. Anything you’ve got, I have a list about it.

11. Pray for a spaceship to come and get me. 

Both me and myself played to win. We both lost.

   Sometimes I fear that my propensity for boredom will make it impossible for me to ever be a real grown-up. I know a lot of people who have things to do with their time, and very few adults who complain of being bored. I feel alienated by how much I sound like a ten-year-old when I whine about having nothing to do. So usually I talk instead about how stressed out I am, because that sounds more mature, and a lot more age-appropriate. But honestly, I am legitimately stressed out. By my boredom.

   Okay, I'll stop now. I’m off to play hangman, I guess. Sigh out loud. ‘Night ‘night.

*This quote is from one of my all-time favorites: Big Business (Jim Abrahams, 1988). I feel that both Lily Tomlin and Bette Midler should've won Academy Awards for this movie.