Wednesday, May 16, 2012

"Hello? Was I the only one paying attention? I thought it reeked." "I believe that was your Designer Imposter Perfume."*

    When I was in junior high I smelled like this:
It was actually shaped like an exclamation point. Get it? This was the basis of its appeal.
    And occasionally like this:
Barf. This stuff smells bad.
    Ew! Does anyone else remember these? Or the one my buddy Richie reminded me of:
Richie's sister used to wear it. So did I. It was cool because it had a cord inside. Like an electrical cord. Get it?
    I’m kind of surprised I had any friends at all at that time, seeing as I smelled like burning hair mixed with baby feces and Febreze, but then I also seem to remember that almost all the girls were smelling like some sort of Designer Imposter funk back then. It seems like it stayed that way until high school when all of a sudden everyone I knew smelled like ck One. A unisex “cologne.” Reek. Thank god that one was out of my price range.
A CK One Ad. Men and women, mostly topless. Get it? Because anyone can wear it.
    How about this: Sex Panther. Probably what I smelled like.

    If I really wanted to make a ton of money I’d design a scent for adolescents that neither stinks like a whore's bikini nor costs a month’s allowance. It would smell like something sweet and honest, like clean laundry or Cap’n Crunch or grass. (Actually, I think I used to wear a Gap perfume called “Grass.” I also wore something in high school that smelled like tomatoes. I was such a dirty hippie. When I didn’t smell like Nag Champa incense I smelled like top notes of patchouli and tomatoes with underlying hints of weed. Yum.)
    Nowadays I wear Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker (my sister, Elizabeth, wears it too) and I think I smell pretty good, but I may be in a rut. I’ve been wearing it for a good 7 years. But nothing else smells good on me. Once, when Richie and I were at the mall, I tried on Gucci II, because I had a friend who always wears it and smells delightful. But I ended up stinking like baby oil and bedpans. Scents truly do differ from person to person.
    Or maybe I’m just naturally malodorous. In which case it was never the perfume that really stank, but me.
*Clueless (Amy Heckerling, 1995). This movie was made around the time I was actually wearing Designer Imposter perfumes. Most often this:


  1. OMG YES! I went through bottles of Electric Youth, Exclamation, and Malibu Musk. I used to spray Electric Youth in my crunchy spiral perm curls. Damn I was sexy.

  2. I totally had Malibu Musk. And I think it smelled lovely on me, which is good because I wore it in moderation of course. I wonder if Shop-Ko still carries it?

    1. Annie, If they still carry that perfume, I'm going to go there today and restock my supply.

  3. I want to get some fesh cut grass perfume from GAP right now. That stuff was awesome, and somehow mowing the lawn doesn't leave. Scented quite the same. True concession time. . . So Yankee candles sells room sprays in scents like lilac and daisy. I have deemed them as "lady axe" and I spray that industrial strength shit all over myself. If it is socially acceptable for dudes to use aerosol scent cans why can't the ladies? What about us huh?! So there you have it, want to smell like a giant lilac bush that makes people stand up and take notice and get asked "You smell amazing! What perfume are you wearing????"go to Yankee candle hook yourself up and just tell everyone "why it's lady axe body spray"
    <3 Kitty

  4. Uggggghhh stupid iPads wither their overly helpful let me fix what you wrote becaus I am a robot therefore must know what you are really trying to type and say to the world. Just muddle through that mess I just wrote and pretend like an epileptic pre teen wrote it and tried their hardest to make sense mid seize. . .

  5. Oh my god, ladies, you are hilarious. I knew we all smelled bad in junior high and it wasn't just me. I think Exclamation's tag line should've been, "It smells really bad!!!!!!!!!!!!" I, for one, am going to follow Kitty's lead and start dousing myself with Yankee Candle room spray. I DO want to smell like a lilac bush! I want to get noticed. PS Kitty, you need to be a professional writer. You are wicked funny.