Friday, July 6, 2012

"Like sands through the hourglass, so go the days of our lives."*

    Do you think Katie Holmes read my post about Scientology and that’s why she’s leaving Tom Cruise? Because I do.
    I am pretty convinced that I scared the shit out of her and now she’s running for the hills (one year short of the 7-year mark which, reportedly, would have netted her a HUGE chunk of change from their alleged “marriage contract”).

A marriage I thought would never end.
    Okay, so here’s the thing: she’s claiming (or news sources are claiming for her) that she’s wicked scared of Scientology and doesn’t want her daughter raised in the church. BUT, as my dad pointed out, “You can’t marry Tom Cruise and not know there’s some weirdness going on with him and the Church of Scientology.” True, Dad. Very true.
    And I’m going to stop talking about it, but first a quote from US Weekly (my favorite news source): “Suri was fed a mix of barley water, milk and corn syrup, which Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard believed was healthier than formula.”
    Yum! Seriously, sign me up for Scientology!
    [Brief aside: is this what Jane and Michael were talking about in Mary Poppins? Remember their "The Perfect Nanny" song? They sing, "And never smell of barley water?" Kids must know it's bad from a very young age. I'm not sure, because my parents never made me drink it. I thought it was just some lame turn-of-the-nineteenth-century British crap. But apparently it's a real menace to the children of Scientology.]
    Okay, so I’m babbling about a few different things here today.
    The other thing I’d like to discuss is how I recently realized the futility of recycling glass. Omaha recycling crews have stopped accepting glass and I was kind of confused about it. But, as has been pointed out to me before by both Gabe and my dad, glass comes from sand, so it’s not a precious and/or limited commodity. In addition, it takes more energy to recycle glass than to make new glass. Okay.
    Then I thought, “Well, aren’t the homeless still getting money for recycling glass bottles?” So…it turns out that’s still a thing in California, BUT it only counts for very specific types of glass. For instance, wine, milk, and distilled spirits: they don’t give you money for those bottles (though who the hell is still getting milk in glass bottles?). I guess they only want those groovy, vintage Coke bottles or your beer bottles. I don’t drink either of those beverages. So, I guess I'll stop putting what bottles I do have (the wine kind) in the recycle.
    But what if, in a couple thousand years, the people of the future discover that sand is a precious natural resource and they start using it for fuel or food or exfoliating? What if, in the year 6743 C.E., they realize that they’re RUNNING OUT OF SAND?
    Personally, I hate sand. It always manages to get into places where it’s least desired (e.g. my shoes and underpants), it clogs up the drain when you try to rinse it off, and it makes me feel like my entire body is one big fingernail being scratched against a chalkboard. It’s kind of gross, actually. So I don’t care if my descendAnts** (and let’s face it: I probably won’t have any descendants, so this is all pretty moot) don’t have any sand to turn into glass. They can go check out the Pyramids of Egypt on a nicely laid asphalt or Astroturf floor, or visit the ocean by flying their hovercrafts right on up to the water. No sand in their gears, no sand in their shoes, no sand mysteriously coming out of their hair four days later. Win-win.
Remember how fun the desert was in Lawrence of Arabia (David Lean, 1962)? Sand sand everywhere but not a drop to drink. Or any shade of any kind. Also the outfits weren't flattering at all.
    What’s so great about glass? I thought really hard about it, and could only come up with a few things: wine, liquor and beer bottles; it's microwave safe; fake diamonds (which are decidedly cheaper than the real ones); glass-blown or –fused art; windows; and glass slippers like Cinderella had (those where pretty rad, though I’m guessing they were also SUPER uncomfortable). Other than that, I don’t see why we need it so badly.

Meaningful because an hourglass has both sand AND glass: it's symbolic of the cyclical nature of life. Get it? It's kind of deep.
    So, I’m not going to beat myself up about recycling glass anymore. Future generations may figure out a way to use it as a pretentious culinary ingredient or a replacement for blood, but my generation thinks of it as an epic movie backdrop or a way to lie on the ground in public without anyone judging you. And I won’t be around to feel sorry for the future generations, so no big whoop.

   And maybe Katie and Tom can take solace in the metaphor of sand and glass and whatnot. Katie: you're welcome.

*Quote is the epic title phrase from Days of Our Lives (1965-Eternity? No, actually, it's ending this year. 1965-2012. Bummer.). I think Socrates might have also said this in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure (Stephen Herek, 1989), though perhaps not in real life.
**When I originally posted this, I spelled "descendants" wrong. But no one called me on it. I am of two minds about this: 1. God love you all for overlooking my heinous spelling. 2. Please, bitches, tell me when I spell something wrong! Seriously! You know I can't spell!

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