"He's just acting depressed because he thinks it's cool."*

   I'm kind of (a lot) depressed lately.

   Here is a picture of how I feel:

This is a sad unicorn pooping a rainbow. (Lacey 2012)

   I'm so down in the dumps (no pun intended: that's clever as you will see in the second half of this sentence) that I'm not even going to sugar-coat it: I have had di-di for the past two days. I don't care what you think of me. It makes my stomach feel really bad and it makes trips to the bathroom feel like they don't even matter anymore. Nothing productive happens in there and my guts still feel angry.

   And on Hulu Plus I keep seeing ads for "The Signs of Suicide" which feature a paunchy man at a barbeque with his friends and the slogan, "Surrounded by friends: never felt so alone." Really? Why would that ad play every commercial break during The Mindy Project and New Girl? These are half-hour situation comedies! Why would we want suicide ads when we're trying to feel happy? And why would a suicidal person feel hopeful after seeing that ad?

   And why am I talking in the "Royal 'We'"?

   Probably because I'm full to the brim with self-pity.

   And I'm spending my time drawing sad clowns and nuns and trying to make the drawings look like sad mugshots or grainy photos from Coney Island during the Depression. It's more artistic that way.

Two of my worst fears. Sad. And scary.

   Sure, it "never rains in southern California" of course, but it sometimes does. It's actually rained in LA for the past 5 days, and I'm sure that's making me have S.A.D. In every way imaginable.

   Here are some more drawings I did and then tried to turn into old-school photos (I also bought a collage app that I suck at but will be busting out all the time in the future):

Terpsichore and Melpomene: the Muses of "The Drama". Also, happy and sad emoticons.

   I'm going to dump out my change jar tonight and feel really sad about things. And maybe take a rape shower. Don't worry about me...I'll be fine. I just want to wallow in it for the moment. Or three weeks.

*Murray talking about Jemaine in The Flight of the Conchords.

"The next video was sent to us by Geurgud Gardner from Baden Baden. Here they have come across the body of a tramp, which in itself is not so disturbing. Until it is turned over to reveal...ANTS! ANTS! ANTS!"*

    I’ve been doing some super important stuff lately, and plan to do more of it this weekend, so I haven’t had time to form a thought or generate an idea or an interesting story for you. But I didn’t want you to be sad, so I grabbed up a few hundred of the post-it notes I have been sticking on various surfaces of my apartment, and decided to offer you some random (and yet deep) thoughts from the last week or so. I just have a few things I have to get off my chest/kitchen cabinet. None of this stuff has anything to do with anything ever. It's neither here nor there. Nor anywhere. Ever. Seriously.

I keep my great ideas organized.

1.     My apartment is overrun with ants. Or was. I’ve killed them off pretty well. It started last week and, unfortunately, it started while my mom was visiting with her friend Laura and I was trying really hard to impress them with how clean my apartment is. I (incredible sleuth that I am) determined the source of their interest in my kitchen yesterday: a really old jar of honey. I find that kind of ironic, considering the bee infestation of a couple of months ago. Of course, I know bees don’t so much like honey as make honey. I’m not a moron. But it was still kind of funny. As well as disgusting.

2.     While I was cowering in the living room far from the ants on Tuesday I decided to watch Delirious (Tom Mankiewizc—son of Joseph L.—1991). It’s that movie where John Candy (one of my many dead, obese celebrity crushes--along with Chris Farley, Orson Welles, Burl Ives, Charles Laughton and John Belushi) is a writer for a soap opera and then, after a head injury, he finds himself living in the soap opera. What was funny about that (aside from everything) was how his love interest (Mariel Hemingway) is obsessed with ants. Ew. So while I was hiding from the ants over in the living room (living area, actually, since it’s all one room), I had a nice, close-up view of some ants on the TV. Awesome.

3.     I saw Rock of Ages a couple of weeks ago and I really wanted Julianne Hough to suck in it, mostly because she’s pretty and has a great bod and I’m jealous of her success. But she was good. So now I’m a begrudging Julianne Hough fan. But she’s still a complete imbecile in real life.

4.     I was halfway home from work today when I realized I’d left my cell phone there. I live in Los Feliz and work in the Pacific Palisades. That’s about 20 minutes in a real place, but about an hour’s drive in L.A. So I wasted an extra hour of today in my car. It’s days like this when I want to get on the 5 and go north until I’m in Canada and never come back to Los Angeles, California, or The United States EVER AGAIN. Can every road in this country really be under construction?

Boo.

5.  If I had to choose between Jemaine and Bret from Flight of the Conchords, my first inclination would be Bret, because in many ways he’s the more conventionally attractive of the two (and an Oscar winner). But ultimately, I think I’d pick Jemaine. Because of his slight disadvantage in the looks department, he would be more insecure and therefore easier to convince that I am considered a 10 in the US. 

6. I had browned-butter-and-candied-bacon flavored ice cream yesterday at Cool Haus. It was AMAZING. And then I was thirsty for 4 hours.

7.  I love Prince. Prince, Prince, Prince.

8.  I don’t understand why some crimes are called “hate crimes” if they're committed against gays or ethnic minorities. Aren’t all crimes “hate crimes?” If I bash in the head of a white supremacist, isn’t it safe to assume that I hate him, just a little bit? Or at least hate that he’s got the car I want and am therefore stealing? All crimes = hate crimes.

9.  I saw Smokey Robinson at the Hollywood Bowl with my mom and Laura. I have never been attracted to a 71-year-old man before. But I am now. Am I a reverse-cougar?

The guy in white is Smokey. My zoom isn't super awesome. Also, my camera sucks.

10.  I’ve never heard a Justine Bieber song, but I think she’s the most adorable little lesbian I’ve ever seen.

Hot lesbians. (Photo)

I’m off to Minneapolis tomorrow to visit Gabe, and Emily is coming from Chicago to meet us! I’m so excited! But I may be AWOL for a few days, because I could be having so much fun that I don’t have time to write. Try to get along without me. 

It's gonna be huge!**

*The quote is from one of Mike Myers genius "Sprockets" sketches from SNL where he plays Dieter.

**The title of the screenplay Gabe and I wrote in high school.