"I've got eyes to see with, ears to hear with (or fly with), arms to hug with, lips to kiss with, someone to adore. How could anybody ask for more? My needs are small, I buy them all at the 5 and 10 cent store. Oh, I've got plenty to be thankful for."*

   You know what the world really needs? More movies about Thanksgiving. And Thanksgiving could also use some more songs. I’m really trying to think of songs about Thanksgiving, but aside from “Plenty to Be Thankful For” from Holiday Inn and the soundtrack to A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, I’m coming up empty. And it sucks because all the radio stations and department stores stomp right over Thanksgiving and start acting like its Christmas the day after Halloween.

Post-Halloween, pre-Thanksgiving: see? At Em's in Chicago.

   And oh Christmas with it’s terrible songs. (I wrote about that last year so I won’t go into it again.) It’s a travesty because Thanksgiving is AMAZING. It truly is AMAZING. It’s an entire holiday devoted to eating wonderful food and begrudgingly acknowledging your blessings between bites of turkey and pie. All kinds of pie! (Seriously: apple, pumpkin, rhubarb, chocolate, pecan: whatever kind of pie you want, Thanksgiving’s probably got it! Pie!) And after that you take a nap and maybe you wake up and watch football, or maybe you go meet up for drinks with friends who are in town for the holidays just like you. And you don't have to go to Church!

I made these out of pumpkin! Why is it only available for 2 months of the year?

   I did a little research on the Interwebs and came up with a few familiar movie titles, and some not-so-familiar movie titles that will allow me to start celebrating Thanksgiving really hard now that we’re in the final stretch to my favorite holiday of the year. (This is, of course, not including the much-anticipated post-Thanksgiving premiere of Liz and Dick starring my arch-rival Lindsay Lohan.)

   Here’s a familiar one: Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (John Hughes, 1987). I’m really fond of this movie, even though it kind of tugs at my heartstrings towards the end, and I don’t like movies that try to make me feel stuff. But I love me some John Hughes, so this gets re-watched every now and then. And now the time is just right. Plus, I love just about every movie John Candy ever made. Steve Martin’s all right in my book, too.

   Here’s a not-so-familiar one: ThanksKilling (Jordan Downey, 2009). Now this movie sounds fascinating. It is described on imdb.com as follows: “A homicidal turkey axes off college kids during Thanksgiving break.” What’s not to like about that premise? It’s high time the turkeys of America got their revenge. And college kids suck, everyone knows that.

   Familiar: Holiday Inn (Mark Sandrich, 1942). Granted, the focus ultimately ends up being on Christmas (largely due to the musical finagling of the decidedly Jewish Irving Berlin: goddamn that song “White Christmas”!), but it is a musical about EVERY holiday and there is that whole delightful musical number where sad, lonely Bing Crosby talks about all the things he has going for him.

   Not-so: Son in Law (Steve Rash, 1993). Remember when Pauly Shore was a movie star? I do, because Encino Man was one of my favorite movies at that time (and I was planning to marry or seriously befriend Brendan Fraser), and also I thought he (Pauly) was wildly talented and seemed very sweet deep, down inside. But this isn't about how I have terrible, near-constantly bad judgment about men. Anyway, this truly raucous, awful film came out during those few short "Pauly Years," and it is vaguely tied to Thanksgiving. So…there’s that.

   Familiar: Hannah and Her Sisters (Woody Allen, 1986). This is one of those really awesome Woody Allen movies from the eighties that doesn’t seem to be about anything, and maybe isn’t, but still somehow keeps coming back to the same Thanksgiving celebration at the same house each year and somehow winds up seeming really good and fulfilling. Like turkey and potatoes and PIE! Plus, Dianne Wiest is always amazing. 

   Not so: Boogeyman (Ulli Lommel, 1980) is vaguely centered around the Thanksgiving holiday. Without watching this movie again, I can’t tell you much. I think that perhaps the 1980 version that I saw is not the one that takes place at Thanksgiving, and maybe that’s the remake that happened in 2005. I will tell you this: the Boogeyman haunted my childhood. I slept with the closet door firmly closed until 2011, and I will NEVER WATCH THAT MOVIE AGAIN, despite not truly knowing to this day what the fuck a boogeyman even is. But do you want to know the best part about the Boogeyman? It's the definition: “An amorphous, imaginary being used by adults to frighten children into compliant behavior.” And what more is there to be thankful for than the power we adults wield over unsuspecting, ignorant children? Mwah ha ha ha ha! That’s really what Thanksgiving is all about. I guess. What was I even talking about? I think I’ve gotten away from my point…

I made this from pumpkin, too. It's pumpkin soup. So good. Pumpkins for the whole year! Thanksgiving keeps pumpkins alive past Halloween! Thanksgiving is the vegetable's answer to the no-kill animal shelter.

   Some of the Internets tried to say that Pocahontas was a Thanksgiving movie. Yeah, maybe if you love bad music and you really want to feel remorseful about all the shit that went down in the 17^th Century that you can't control and had nothing to do with. I say: move forward. Let’s not remember too hard about the shenanigans that went down at Plymouth Rock and try to focus a bit more on being grateful that we have so much pie to eat. 

*This song is from Holiday Inn and written by Irving Berlin. It's kind of cheeky and not altogether sincere, but it is one of the only Thanksgiving songs that exists. And I'm super grateful for it.  And for Holiday Inn (the movie, not the hotel chain...okay I'm grateful for both. It's Thanksgiving, for chrissakes).

"If you are blue it's easy to shake off your cares and troubles."*

Ann Miller shakes the blues away in Easter Parade.

            I’ve been slow to post in the last few days (week) and it’s not just because I’ve been eating for six.

            At the risk of sounding like a bah-humbug, I have to say that Christmas, once again, depressed the shit out of me.

            It’s a beautiful time of year, sure. People put lights on their houses and trees, frosted cookies in festive shapes abound, and I saw several yahoos driving around with antlers on their cars.

            But it’s also kind of a bummer somehow. I always end up feeling fat from all those cute cookies, the music is somehow sad because it reminds me of being younger and more excited about gifts and parties, money flies out of my bank account at incredible speeds, and the days are short and cold.

            Are you depressed yet? I hope not.

            This post is supposed to be about what I think can make the most sullen Scrooge McDuck feel a little bit better about life, even if it’s often more fun to think that life is meaningless and lay on the couch in the fetal position watching Sarah McLachlan sing about saving all the unwanted dogs and cats of the world (always thought that song was supposed to be romantic—boy was I wrong!). 

Sarah McLachlan's ASPCA ad.

            Here are my suggestions for riding out the holiday season, such as is left of it:

1.     Watch a movie that has NOTHING to do with Christmas. In fact, I did that one better and watched a movie about Easter. Easter Parade, to be exact. Now Easter is supposed to be the really big deal in the Christian calendar, because of the Resurrection and all that, but it often gets passed over (no pun intended, though I’m chuckling as I write that. I’m so clever!) because Christmas involves presents. But Easter Parade has nothing to do with Easter, and it’s just so damn happy that you can’t help but feel a bit better after watching it. I’m a sucker for Fred Astaire and Judy is at her finest, as I know I’ve mentioned before.

2.     Throw some stuff away. I went through my storage closet and started rummaging through boxes I hadn’t opened since I moved into this apartment seven-and-a-half years ago. Scary. And fun! I found clothes I didn’t want, spools of yarn from my short-lived knitting phase, a bunch of college papers and the screenplay my friend Gabe and I wrote in high school.

3.     Find the screenplay you wrote in high school with your friend Gabe. Ours was entirely handwritten in pink gel ink inside a red notebook. I actually couldn’t tell my handwriting from Gabe’s. After reading that, I couldn’t stop smiling for days. I’m smiling right now just thinking about it. And I’ll probably read it again tonight. And not just because it’s brilliant.

4.     Start your New Year’s resolutions early. I put the kibosh on eating entire hams and batches of cookies when I realized that I wasn’t at my parents house anymore, the scale thinks I weigh ten pounds more than I think I weigh, and I hadn’t exercised in six days. It’s only been one day (or 9 hours), but I already feel a lot better about my prospects for 2012.

5.     Reread a book you haven’t read since you were in fourth grade. I chose Island of the Blue Dolphins. I highly recommend it. And it won’t tax your brain, which is key if this suggestion is going to make you feel happy.(And don't start thinking about how you'd never make it on an island by yourself for 18 years. That's counterproductive and it's unlikely you'll ever be in that situation anyway.)

6.     Stop caring so much. I’ve decided to adopt a more hippie philosophy for the days sliding into the New Year. So what if life isn’t quite what I want it to be right now and I’ve not met my potential financially, romantically or artistically? There’s always the first of January looming and I can turn it all around then. In the meantime, I’m going to relax, bathe when it suits me, watch some bad television and let this year die with dignity.

            I hope this doesn’t make it sound like I’m really depressed. I am, but that’s not the point. This is supposed to be a funny blog, so I’m giving you the best I got at the moment. Here’s to the end of the old year!!

*This quote is from "Shaking the Blues Away", a song from Easter Parade. It was performed by Ann Miller and written by Irving Berlin. It was pointed out to me by one of my charges that most of the famous Christian holiday songs were written by Jews. He is so right. Love it.