Monday, January 9, 2012

"Careers, like rockets, don't always take off on time. The trick is to always keep the engine running."*

           Over the holiday break my parents suggested to me that I might want to return to school and pursue a degree that would enable me to do…anything. Anything at all that would allow me to make a reasonable income.

      I initially thought that they were bonkers. I mean, why would I want to NOT live hand-to-mouth for the rest of my life?

      Okay. Maybe tents and dreadlocks don't maintain their charm forever. Maybe.

      But let’s back up and talk about how my first degree (a BA in Theatre--and yes, it's spelled in the hoity-toity British way) has led to many a life-changing opportunity. For instance: I’ve been a waitress, a personal assistant, a dog-walker, a nanny, a secretary and, in recent times, a blogger. And during these life-changing career phases, I’ve managed to act in a play or two and written several amazing spec scripts. See? It wasn’t entirely a wash…

      But it was, kind of, wasn’t it?

      So clearly, things haven’t been working out the way I planned. Screw you, world! (Did you see what God just did to us?)

      Anywhoopee, after my initial hesitation upon hearing my parents’ plan (i.e. crying, threatening to kill myself, vowing that I’d rather be a nun than a traitor to my chosen artistic path), I started looking into potential academic programs that might not be wholly antithetical to how I envision my life.

      And here are some of the ideas I’ve concocted that will both appease my parents and make me feel peaceful about my future.


      This one seems like it would be easy. I mean, I’m super beautiful and I am by no means picky. But I keep NOT meeting rich guys. I meet a lot of guys who are ambitionless and psychotic, but none of them are wealthy. That doesn’t mean I’m not trying, though. Also, it really doesn’t have to be a man. At this point, I’m open to anything.


      Based on what I’ve been charged in recent years to have my car fixed, mechanics are leading the lush life. Here’s what I know about cars: you need to put gas in them, you need to change their oil, sometimes their tires need air, and there is a part called “spark plugs.” But I’m not worried. My Uncle Tom is a mechanic, so I can go apprentice for him and meet all the neat friends he’s been telling me about (most of whom seem to be in jail or living under someone's porch--no comment on mechanics as a whole).

3.     MID-WIFE

      Duh. You just let a pregnant lady sit on your lap and squeeze your hands really hard. Can’t be worse than getting a tattoo or having menstrual cramps, right?
Where's the Midwife in this scenario?


      I would go to space (despite it being my third-worst fear in life behind sharks and spiders). I'm a big believer in challenging yourself. Plus: I would probably be more attractive than most of the other ladies present (this is based on the theory that lady scientists are ugly. Antiquated, perhaps, but still viable in my mind). Booyah! See number one. (Astronauts make a lot of money, right?) 
This could easily be me.


      I would have sex on television and call it acting and then be paid obscene amounts of money for it. I can’t see a down side other than the inevitable STDs (and the thin line between "acting" and "pornography"). But rich people always seem able to cure these diseases, so no worries there (think Magic Johnson).
What STD's?


      Um, well, I would know how to file taxes—mine and other people’s. And I think you get a percentage, like a talent agent.


      I would drive a truck full of things from one place to other places. So I would get to travel and get paid to do it. There’s the whole risk of perpetual rape scenarios, being a woman at a truck stop and all, but I think I could handle it with my Tae Kwon Do training and ever-handy pepper spray.


      It seems as though this would be the most obvious of scenarios—I mean, who wouldn’t want my crazy DNA floating through their child’s body? But they keep insisting on really high SAT scores, physical fitness and Judaism/being Asian. But I’m not ruling it out. In terms of surrogacy, that just takes a willingness to lay off fun for a good nine months. I'm game. It's not like I'm having tons of fun at the moment anyway.


      This one my parents probably wouldn’t like. But what if it were like that Tori Spelling Lifetime Original Movie movie Mother May I Sleep With Danger Co-Ed Call Girl? I mean, we could keep it high-class and I’d only do it for like, a year or two, tops. Just to pay my way through Dental Assistant school. Makes sense, right?
Potential career path?

You got a better idea? Let me know!
*Quote from Gary Sinise.


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  2. You didn't mention the one task for which you are EMINENTLY qualified, Lacey. Think hard now. Are you thinking? Spell it with me. M............O...........M! Yeah, you could be a mom and raise chilluns and populate the earth. Just saying...

    1. Um...first of all, yuck. And second of all, this job DOESN'T PAY!!!! But I'm always listening to your insights, Phil. Always!