Thursday, June 21, 2012

"But if you're bored then you're boring."*

    Am I the only person over the age of 13 that gets bored on a regular basis? I feel really bad about it, because it’s not like I can’t find things to do, it’s just sometimes none of those things seems super entertaining or worthwhile. 
    [When we were kids we weren't allowed to say we were bored, because if we did my mom would say, "If you're bored, I'll find something for you to do." I don't think we ever found out what that something was, but I'm guessing it had to do with laundry. My mom really liked/s to ask us to fold the laundry. I can't imagine why. It's such a fulfilling task, especially since people are always so grateful when you do it for them. So anyway, we usually just went outside to the swing set and Ouisie would suggest something like, "Let's pretend we're sisters." and I'd say, "We are sisters, you dumbass. That's no fun." So we'd ride our bikes until the neighbor kids came home or until we got to Baskin-Robbin and ate a crap-load of ice cream. You know, fun outdoorsy things like that.]
    Nowadays, I happen to know a 13-year-old boy who spends most of his “down time” playing video games. I never learned how to play video games (unless we can count Solitaire on my computer or “Snake” on my 2001 Nokia cell phone), so this doesn’t seem like an option. Also, video games scare me because I hate being chased, even if I’m only an avatar. Emily tried to teach me Nintendo when we were kids, but I couldn't really understand why turtles and mushrooms kept trying to attack me and I frequently dropped (or threw myself) into holes. It was really unnerving.
    When I think back on how I filled my time before I started counting “beers” as an activity sometime in college, what I come up with is only sort of useful. I roller bladed, did homework, ate frosting, thought about boys I liked, did Jane Fonda workout videos, and read a lot. Sometimes I would have extra time after homework and I would try out new hairstyles (crimping and cutting my own hair were favorites). I also spent a lot of time choreographing dance routines to Frankie Valli and The Four Seasons.

    I think in high school my time was taken up with play rehearsals and my part-time job, but I still managed to find time to think about boys I liked and cut my own hair.
    I still read a lot, but none of the other things apply (except cutting my hair). Most nights I find myself drinking tea (sometimes wine), painting my fingernails, and watching copious amounts of television on Netflix. Of course I write sometimes, as well, so there’s that.
    But I think I’ve figured out the problem: I’m boring.
    Here are things I like to do (could also be a list entitled “Why I Should Always Go to Bed at 9 p.m. Sharp”)
1.  Listen to Frank Sinatra or Bobby Darin while deep-cleaning my bathroom or kitchen.
2.  Practice new stitches on my sewing machine that I (just barely) know how to use. And not because I’m mending or constructing a garment—just because I like to see that I know how to “sew" things. I currently have about 27 rows of different stitches on a single piece of fabric. 
3.  Cut out things in magazines that I find humorous or inspiring (see below) and put them on my fridge.
4.  Stalk people on Facebook.
5.  Take pictures of myself with make-up on in an attempt to create a gorgeous “candid” photo. (This has never worked so far.)
6.  Spray paint things. So far, I’ve spray-painted a dining-room table, 6 chairs for said table, a coffee table, a stool, multiple cabinet handles and a chalkboard. I’m starting to think I just like to huff paint.
7.  Sweep. Especially under the couches.
8.  Do the crossword puzzle (I say “the” but truthfully I do a butt-load of crossword puzzles in any given week. It must have evolved out of my boredom.)
9.  Journal about being bored.
10. Write down what I’ve eaten.
This is from US Weekly. I hi-lighted the things Ice-T and I have in common.
    So, it’s not like I don’t have things to do. It’s just that the things I have to do are exceedingly lame.
    Here is a list of things I want to have on my list of things to do (maybe someday in the near-ish future):
1.  Book club.
2.  Paddle-boarding session.
3.  Meet with sponsors (I’m not sure what I’d be sponsored for, but I know I want sponsors really bad. This will most likely prove ironic if I end up in AA or NA or OA or something like that).
4.  Skype with French boyfriend (who is in France and who is flying me out first class to visit soon). Am also willing to accept a boyfriend from Italy or England, but if he's going to be British, he has to have American-quality teeth.
5.  Dine at fancy and expensive restaurant in awesome outfit that makes me look hot. (Someone else pays or I have a ton of money.)
6.  Hot air balloon ride.
7.  Do numerous back flips and splits just so I know I still got it (in this list I had "it" at one point).
8.  Get pictures taken of my abs for well-known fitness magazine cover.
9.  Write a couple songs to play on my violin and/or zither.
10. Hold a koala bear for a couple of hours. Necessitates trip to Australia.
11. Experience regular bowel movements like everyone else does but not think it’s a big deal because my bowels are always incredibly regular. 
The New Yorker.
    Think of this blog post as my vision board. When you are reading this blog a year from now (and let’s face it: you will be), I’m going to have trouble fitting in time to write about what I’m doing because my French boyfriend and I will most likely be grating cheese (fromage) on one another's abs while rappelling off the Matterhorn.
More New Yorker. And much more to the point.
*A very awesome song from the late-1990’s: “Flagpole Sittah” by the incredibly memorable Harvey Danger.

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