Saturday, September 29, 2012

"The casual conversational tone of a blog is what makes it particularly dangerous."*

   Here are the things I like about blogs:
   1. They’re free.
   2. There are 8 bajillion of them, so you never need to be bored, even if you have no friends and can't afford a magazine or book.
   3. They are a voyeur’s wet dream.
   I’d like especially to talk about number three.
   Sometimes, in the course of cruising the Interwebs for new reading material, I’ll stumble upon a blog so completely full of one person’s minute-by-minute experiences that I can’t really fathom it. It’s a lot like watching a train wreck: it’s awful, but you can’t look away. (Only it's not as exciting as a train wreck. It's more like a tricycle collision. It's way too boring to be a train wreck. That was a terrible simile.)
   I felt this way about Facebook when I first joined. Actually I still sometimes feel this way about Facebook. You know when you get on Facebook, you usually look to see if anyone “Liked” anything you did, said, or were tagged in? You want to know if anyone thought you looked hot in a picture or thought something you said was witty. At least, that’s why I go on Facebook.
   But some people get on Facebook every minute of every day to let you know what they’re up to:
“Just finished my run. Boy, am I tired!”
“I’m about to do laundry, but I’m out of quarters.”
“I just pooped, and wanted you all to know about it.”
   Or they comment in the voice of their baby or dog:
“I’m so happy because Mamma just changed my diaper!”
“I love my new chew toy.”
   Just show me pictures of your amazing vacation, tell me you had a kid or bought a house, or invite me to attend a party you’re hosting. Don’t tell me about anything else. I don’t want to know anything more specific than that.
   Anyway, there are blogs out there that take the idea of over-sharing to a whole new level. This one chick--I’ll call her Eunice--wrote a four-thousand-page (I’m exaggerating, sue me) blog post about giving birth. I read it this morning and I wanted to stop but I couldn’t. She talked about her cervix and blood and gunk and poop and doulas and dilating until I wanted to puke. But it was impossible to look away. I could’ve shut the computer easily, but I didn’t. I just kept reading.
   Ok, I think this isn’t a perfect example of what I’m talking about. Experiencing natural childbirth and then talking about it is actually pretty epic and exciting, even if I don’t know you or care about you in any way. You shoved a human being through your vagina without pain meds? Just to see what it felt like to be a woman giving birth? Good for you. Seriously. That sounds like a hot nightmare.
   What I’m really talking about are the bloggers out there (and Eunice is usually one of them) who will talk about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, most of it completely useless, boring, and unimportant.
I've created a faux blog post below as an example of what I'm talking about:
   Today I woke up and brushed my teeth. 
 Then I used the toilet. It was only number one.

   I washed my hands in the sink.

   I went to Joann Fabric because I’ve decided to build a couch out of cotton balls and a swing set out of pipe cleaners and tell you all about it (wait until next week). While I was there I bought these spoons.

   And this crafty kit. I know what I'll be doing tonight!

   I was hungry so I had some licorice.

   I found a fork by my TV set.

   I wrote "BOOBS" on my calculator.

   I went to a store and took a picture of a sign.

   Then I had a couple drinks before going to bed.

   I did a lot of other things I didn't write about, including going to the bathroom and brushing my teeth again. I guess I'll write about that tomorrow.
   ********************END OF FAKE BLOG*************************
   Now, I didn't create this faux blog to poke fun, but rather to teach (you're welcome, bloggers of the web as well as all of America at large). I guarantee you that the only people who wanna read that kind of crap are your mom (and only because she loves you and is genuinely interested in your life) and really bizarre people who make pillows out of human hair and collect troll dolls and dead cats. Seriously, you can just share the interesting stuff. And if it's not interesting, take a day off and go out and have some semblance of a life so you can write about it tomorrow. 
   I'm just saying.

*Quote above is from Daniel B. Beaulieu, a businessman/entrepreneur I know virtually nothing about.


  1. Come on, really? People WRITE that stuff? Seriously? Well yeah, they DO go on at length on Fakebook, about their cat bringing them a mouse or them making cupcakes and shit. Classic oversharing.

    Keep on writing, Lacey! Love it!!

  2. I'm no Dr. Haledjian but seems to me the tile in the "toilet" shot and the tile in the "sink" shot in your "faux blog post" are of two different types, what gives? Am I do believe you went number 1 in one bathroom and washed your hands in another? Just curious. Thanks!

    1. Haha! Very observant. It IS another bathroom. I have so many bathrooms, I don't want any of them to feel left out.'s just a picture from another day and I was too lazy to take another picture in my bathroom.