Monday, February 18, 2013

"A man can be short, dumpy and getting bald, but if he has fire, women will like him."*

   This post is simple:
   Let's have a celebration of sexy, bald men, shall we?

   I was watching Live Free or Die Hard for the third or fourth time the other night when it struck me for the millionth time that Bruce Willis is a sexy beast. Here’s a man who acknowledged early on that he was balding and just went for it: he shaved that amazing skull and he looks wicked hot. I actually think he gets hotter with time. I think it's because he's been bald so long that we just focus on his amazing body and flawless skin. Just saying.

   On the other hand, you have those dudes that try to pretend they’re not balding by growing a ponytail with what little hair they have left on the back of their craniums. Gross. Or the Hollywood actors who like to believe we don’t know they’re sporting fake hair: David Spade, John Travolta, Nicolas Cage and Jeremy Piven immediately come to mind. Not only are their hair pieces unconvincing, they seem vain and petty for not accepting the inevitable. Dude: you’re bald!

   I don’t fully understand the trauma that a man goes through when his hair starts falling out. Is it anything like when women get PMS or cramps or wrinkles or stretch marks or bloating or cankles or pregnancy? Is it like wearing stockings to work, shaving your legs, armpits, mustache and vagina? Is it similar to having a period or having your boobs start sinking down to your waist? I want to know. Because I feel really bad for dudes. Seriously.

   Anywho, here’s a list of sexy, bald types. Men, pay attention! You don’t have to have hair on your head to be attractive (though a little less hair in the back/butt/ear regions would be nice. Just saying.).

1. Bruce Willis. Duh.++

2. Patrick Stewart (I feel like this man never ages because he’s been bald and beautiful in the public eye for over 30 years).

3. Mr. Clean. (He’s hot. Let’s not pretend otherwise.)

4. Yul Brynner (I kind of feel like Mr. Clean was based on him).

6. Stanley Tucci (who recently married Emily Blunt’s sister, thereby reinforcing my whole point).

7. Danny DeVito

8. Ben Kingsley

9. Sean Connery

10. Lex Luther

11. Mr. Potato Head

12. Rob Corddry

13. Taye Diggs

14. The Commish (okay, fine…Michael Chicklis)

15. Common

16. Mr. Peanut

17. Wallace Shawn (I find him sexy in his own, weird way.)

18. Ed Asner (so, so attractive as Mr. Grant).
19. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (they're all hot, but I'm especially drawn to Raphael).***
Watermelons are beautiful. So are Smiley Faces. And of course the Misters Potato Head and Peanut.**

   I think it would behoove the men of the world to let their hair do what it wants to do. It’s kind of like that same thing of how women want to straighten their hair or bleach it: usually you look best the way you were made. But I suppose it’s a kick to the old ego to have your hair fall out. But I’m guessing it’s not quite as bad as feeling compelled to get perkier boobs or a vaginal rejuvenation.  So, yeah, I still don’t feel sorry for men that are balding. 
*The quote is from Mae West. And I think it's pretty dang true.
**Emily said I should include Humpty-Dumpty in my list, but I said I didn't find him attractive. She said that it was kind of ridiculous that I find Mr. Potato Head attractive but not Humpty-Dumpty. According to her, Mr. Potato head doesn't even necessarily have to have arms or legs unless you want him to, and Humpty-Dumpty does. Fair point, but I'm still not including Humpty. 
***Also suggested by E. 
++Just saw that A Good Day to Die Hard is number one at the box office. Game. Set. Match. Also read this quote from Mr. Willis in the news US Weekly: "You don't get an Oscar for comedy. And you don't get it for shooting people.(On why he hasn't been nominated in his 33-year career)." It's a downright, dirty shame. Comedy and action should be rewarded.

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