Yet again I feel the need to give you an abbreviated rundown
of my life, as I have no real points to make about anything and not enough (or
maybe too much?) excitement in my life to siphon down into one solid point. So
here are several “snapshots” of where my brain has been over the last few
weeks.
1.
So I was in the waiting room of the dentist’s
office yesterday when the World’s Most Annoying Human came in. She had long
dark hair (dyed, clearly, since she looked upwards of 60) and she really wanted
some new tooth-whitening gel. The receptionist said she would go in the back
and look for the brand the woman was requesting. While 60-going-on-12 lady was
waiting, she went over and knelt in front of the fish tank. She said things
like, “Oh, you sweet wittle fishes! You so pretty! Oh, why you on you back,
wittle fish? That’s not good!” I had to think it was for my benefit, because I
was the only person in the waiting room and who the fuck talks like that when
she’s by herself? It made me hate her. And it made me wish there was a T-Rex in
the fish tank that could scare the shit out of her and her stupid I Heart
Barcelona t-shirt.
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| This is what it would look like if a T-Rex lived in the fish tank. Lacey 2012. (8 million dollars) |
2.
I realized recently that my shampoo and
conditioner boast “lupine botanicals.” What?!? My shampoo is made from wolf
extracts? I thought that was really sick and really awesome at the same time.
But then I looked up the word “lupine” and it turns out it can also refer to a
type of flowering plant. Bummer.
 | ||
| My shampoo. |
 | |
| But what's this? Wolf parts? |
3.
My buddy Sam made me a pillow for my birthday
that looks like this:
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| How great is this? Nebraska with a heart on Omaha! |
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| It's very similar to my tattoo! |
4.
I’ve decided I don’t care for Miley Cyrus. She
said this in the recent issue of Marie Claire: “You always see the 70-year-old
man driving the Bentley. He’s saved up his whole life and now he’s going to do
something crazy. Liam and I are really lucky because usually people can’t
afford to do the things we do. You should be driving the Bentley when you’re
young and hot. That’s when you look dope!” Sorry, Miley. Not everyone is a
quatrillionaire because they grew up as a talentless Disney tween. Sorry. Some
of us earned our Bentleys (not me, obviously) through hard work. I think you’re
an un-nice girl. I don’t like you. At all. And I think your teeth are freakishly small.
6.
Em and Gabe got me paddle boarding lessons for
my 30th birthday! Bucket list!
7.
My awesome BFF Michelle came in town over last
weekend with her BF Danny. Michelle added a new word to my lexicon: maybe we
can call transvestite ladies of the night in Hollywood Mandy’s? Get it? Are you an Amanda or a Mandy?
8. The ants are back...but they've congregated in different areas of the apartment. One or two in the kitchen, one or four in the bathroom, one solitary soldier on the coffee table. What the fuck is happening? I'm washing dishes before I use them! What's going on??
*The quote, irrelevant as it may be, is from one of my favorite books: The Bean Trees by excellent novelist Barbara Kingsolver (who is also Gabe's auntie!). It sort of speaks to my current/ongoing need to express my frustration when people act like douche canoes.
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