Tuesday, August 21, 2012

"To know how to dance is to know how to control oneself."*

    I make a lot of lists. It’s a longtime habit which started in high school, when I would channel my classroom boredom into either a. filling out and decorating my assignment book; b. making an alphabetical list of the United States and then putting a check next to the ones I’d been to; or c. making lists of anything from plays I’d seen to books I’d read. I’ve always made lists, and, based on what I’ve just written, it would appear that I’ve always been boring. Okay!
    This evening I read over my most recent “to do” list and decided to share it with you, because apparently I need attention or perhaps I just thought you’d find it amusing, as I did. 
My most recent to do list.
Here is the breakdown:
1. I think this is pretty self-explanatory. Note that I spelled “ants” like “aunts” because I suck at spelling words—even words I already know.
2. My car is squeaky clean, thank you for caring.
3. I haven’t dropped off my rent check yet, but I have to do it before I leave for Omaha.
4. Linked In: I did that thing where I accidentally invited everyone I’ve ever emailed to join me on Linked In. I did the same thing when I joined Facebook. It’s kind of great, because now I have a ton of people viewing my sad little resume on Linked In. But it’s also kind of awful because I invited people I don’t really know at all, and people that were cc’ed on emails I received back in 2005, and people I’d rather never see or speak to again for as long as I live. But alas, so far none of the psychos I’m avoiding have responded. Fingers crossed.
5. I got into Pasadena City College! But all the classes I wanted were already taken. Boo.
Numbers 6 through 9 are kind of self-explanatory.
  10. I have begun taking an Arnica supplement because my tendency to run into things is much too obvious: I am covered in bruises. I hope this works.
  13. I bought a turkey leg at Disneyland today and only ate half. But it cost $9 so I thought I’d bring it home and finish it here. But then I left it in the trunk. And I don’t feel like going down to the garage to get it.
      14. AT&T is the devil and I hate that company more than words can express. I don’t owe them $16 because I shut my service off 2/3rd of the way through the month. So I only paid $32 of my bill out of principle. But they’re the world’s worst pieces of shit, so they might send that bill to collections and destroy my credit just because they have time for crap like that, even if they don’t have time to answer a goddamned phone call. So I fucking paid it.             AT&T: 14. Lacey: 0
     16. I wanted to buy diatomaceous earth, which I obviously misspelled in a serious way. But it isn’t at Target and I really don’t think it’ll be at Trader Joe’s, so I guess I won’t buy it because those are the only places I shop. Also, I was feeling way too guilty about giving those ants a long, torturous death. Even though they might still eat my face off in my sleep. I am a perfect, Mother Teresa-type person.
     17. I want to figure out what people do with their free time on TV shows as a basis of comparison. Maybe through diligent study, I can find better things to do with my free time besides watch people on television. Circular logic, I know. But this is how my mind works. Unfortunately, from watching TV I've learned that people with spare time usually read legal briefs, drink one never-ending glass of red wine, bust criminals on the Interweb, or engage in sexual intercourse. Hmmm...this isn't helpful. No one is ever seen flossing, doing "girl" push-ups, or figuring out the best place to put the fan. Weird.
    Yeah, so the rest of that list is pretty basic stuff.  Just thought I’d give you a voyeuristic treat by showing you that I’m just like the rest of you sickos, except I have lists. I'm so great.

*This is a quote from Swing Time (George Stevens, 1936), one of my favorite Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers movies and one that I watched while making this list the other night (I may have also cried a little bit while I was watching it, even though it is in no way sad). I know it has no bearing on this post, but since I can neither dance nor control myself, it seems like it'd fit anywhere in here. I'm such a narcissist. You don't have to read this blog.

No comments:

Post a Comment