Sunday, April 14, 2013

"It's funny. Everywhere Murder-She-Wrote went, someone died. I don't know why anyone invited her to parties."*

   If I were to be extremely honest about the career I think I should pursue, I would admit that I want to be a “Private Eye.” I think it would be super awesome to spend my days trailing people around town and taking pictures of cheaters and liars and possible murderers with a long-distance zoom lens. I would occasionally get into scrapes with people wanting to know what the hell I was doing parked in front of their houses all night and sometimes I would be offered bribes to sell telling pictures of people caught in incriminating situations. Occasionally I would have to hide in bushes or nearly be caught in someone’s apartment, but I’d always get out of it just in the nick of time. I picture myself having a career a lot like Jessica Fletcher’s or Veronica Mars’: I’d just be hanging out at a party and someone would die and someone else would ask me to figure out who did it and then I’d solve the case and get some money or just write a best-seller about my experiences. And then, if this were real life, I’d probably be shot.

   And eventually everyone would come to see it as suspicious that I’m always at events where people die.

   I think I have all the skills necessary for spy work: I have an above-average interest in what everyone else is doing. I have a very suspicious mind. I often solve mysteries on TV shows and in movies before they tell you the answer. I think eavesdropping is delightful fun. I’m good at hiding. I’ve watched pretty much every episode of Veronica Mars, Monk, Matlock, Get Smart, Law and Order: SVU, Magnum: PI, The Comish, Alias, and Murder, She Wrote. I’ve seen lots of spy, crime and cop movies including, but not limited to: Charade, Naked Gun, Beverly Hills Cop, The Pink Panther, multiple James Bond and Mission Impossible movies and To Catch a Thief. If this isn’t enough to make me legit, I’ll watch more. I’m okay with that.

   I’m not sure if spy school exists, but I’m totally into that as well, provided it’s not too pricey or time consuming. If it’s okay with spy industry, I’d just like to go ahead and get started. I did briefly own a detective agency in the summer of ’89, shortly after reading Harriet the Spy, so I’m already somewhat experienced. I just need some cases.

   I already did a little sleuthing the other day. You know that you’re cut out to be a spy when cases just fall in your lap. This is The Case of the Mormons Entering the Shady Apartment Complex in Glendale.

It took me awhile to get my camera out, so they were more or less inside by the time I got the photo. But I wasn't planning to spy like I'd normally have been if I were on a case.

   Okay, so I am aware that there are some difficult aspects to the spy game. I would imagine that sometimes, waiting in a parked car all night can be boring. I can also easily see myself falling asleep after the first hour. I know that there is often danger when criminals are involved but I’m willing to carry a weapon. I’m even willing to learn how to use a weapon (hopefully the same one I plan to be carrying). I understand that fast food is bad for the figure, so I will pack snacks to avoid temptation. I don’t think it will be difficult for me to assume aliases because I learned how to act in college and I’m also really good at lying. As you can see, I’ve put some thought into this.

   I've also considered that 1. I may not be clever enough to be a spy. I don’t think I’d know how to trick people into giving me information or how I’d be able to break into random rooms full of filing cabinets to hunt for clues (I'm not totally sure where those rooms even are). And 2. I think maybe in a way I’m more concerned with being a spy on TV. I think I’d really like my own spy show. That way I could be clever and sneaky without having to have any idea what I’m doing and I’d get paid way more than actual spies probably do. Is the spy game lucrative?

   Here, I drew up some promotional materials for my show with different working titles (which you’ll notice are just riff on the titles of other shows). 
Spy show ideas. Mostly stolen.
   The fact that I've spent so much time on this goes a long way toward explaining why I'm failing at life.

 *The quote is from Georgia Engel's character, Mamie, on Hot in Cleveland. I'm not proud, but I really like that show (maybe because two former MTM ladies are on it. Mystery solved!).

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