"Ha ha woman, what you gonna do? You destroyed all the virtues that the Lord gave you."*

     Evil Woman Part III

     Okay, I know everyone was waiting for a continuation of the dramatic tale of my life with the psychotic wife of the old-fart rock star and their adorable little assholes (children) which I drone on and on about here and again here. Well, you're in luck. Because here it is!

      Again, these are the things I wrote feverishly in the night while the beasts were sleeping...

•  I woke up from a very good night’s sleep to the lilting sound of Sophie wailing in the next room. But luckily, it was 9:30 on the nose, so I gladly jumped out of bed and took her into Beth (after changing her diaper, of course).  I was so excited for my afternoon off I nearly peed myself. We of course had to pack up all of our stuff (which Beth neglected to mention until 5 minutes before I was scheduled to leave) for the staff to move it.

•  Did I mention we’re moving rooms? Yes apparently this suite isn’t good enough for us, and not just because of the construction noise from next door that Beth’s been bitching about for days. Now she “thinks” she saw a mouse in the suite, so she had engineering come up and seal off all the cabinets under the sinks and any open crevices between walls and cabinetry. According to Lucia this happens every time they travel. She said that Beth figures out a way to bitch to the staff and get a nicer room and free amenities on top of it. Case in point, the woman that has been taking care of us during our stay comped Beth a free massage and told us that we were being “real troopers” for putting up with such a horrible situation. The situation wasn’t horrible until we had to move and that certainly wasn’t the hotel’s fault. (And where's my free massage? Beth gets to sleep all night, unlike the rest of us.) Though I have to say they don’t clean the rooms with any regularity—I often end up having to call and ask for room service in all the rooms, not just the one or two they pick to clean each day. And Lucia’s pointed out that a lot of the fixtures have missing parts and I noticed a crack in the side of my shower. I know the building’s old, but it’s supposed to be a four-star hotel. I think. Billy says there was a murder here a couple weeks ago.

• Lucia had to sleep on the floor last night because she was fed up with the couch moving apart on her in the night. Beth’s solution? Let’s call for a rollaway bed! A better idea, in my humble opinion, would be to tell your fucking 3-year-old to sleep in his goddamn crib and let Lucia sleep in a bed. She’s got a horrible cold and hasn’t had a real bed in days.

• So I was free and I had every intention of checking out the exhibit at the Frick Collection, but when I got inside, after a meandering 20-minute walk through Central Park, I was pressed for time. And after standing behind a group of clueless, elderly, slow-moving tourists in the line, I decided to fuck the Frick and headed over to 77^th and Lexington to catch the 6 train to downtown. Then I switched to the L train and got off at Bedford Avenue to meet my buddy Billy in Williamsburg.

 

See? The Frick is really pretty. I just wish other people didn't want to go there.

• Williamsburg is adorable. Cute little shops and restaurants and young people everywhere--most of them “straight off the boat from Oberlin,” as Billy put it. We had coffee at a cute shop called El Beit and I filled him in on the disaster that is this work experience. He filled me in on the fact that he got laid off last week and that is the reason he was able to hang out on a Saturday. I felt bad for him, but at the moment I was mostly thinking of how much I’d give to be unemployed right then, instead of knowing I had to head back to prison in a few short hours.

El Beit. How cute.

• We walked over to a great vintage clothing shop called Beacon’s Closet and I bought a couple of things. But I was shopping too fast because I had to pee—and I don’t love the things I bought. Although this blue blazer I got is a Marc Jacobs original. Maybe I can sell it someday. Yeah, it’ll happen. Billy considered buying a green and brown striped sweater because he’s going to make a series of sweater movies and he thought this one would be perfect for a movie about Nightmare on Elm Street. He opted against it because he is, after all, unemployed. And crazy. But at least he’ll get some unemployment. I couldn’t qualify unless I stayed with the Stalin family for another 4 ½ months. No thank you.

• We grabbed lunch at a little Thai restaurant where Billy ran into some girl he knew from speed dating. He said he’d been reviewing speed dating for the magazine he's working for, but I have a feeling speed dating is something Billy would do even if he didn’t have to. We walked over and sat on the beach and looked across the water to the city. I felt so sad that I had to leave and go back over there. We had such a lovely afternoon.

See, there, I left it on a nice note. I'm not all darkness, see? See?

*Quote from Electric Light Orchestra's "Evil Woman."