"If you are easily shocked, please look away!"*

    So, you know how when you're moving, you're really careful about hiding things you don't want anyone to ever know about? For some it might be whips and chains or nipple clamps. For others it might be a urine-stained mattress or really old, scary-looking underpants. And for yet others, it might be glamor shots taken at home by oneself after a night of heavy drinking. For me, it's all of the above. Ha ha. I'm kidding. My secret is much worse, and it was discovered a couple of days ago. If you are easily shocked, please look away:

Creepy creature in repose. And touching itself?

    It's a beyond-disturbing puppet-type creature with pink pen-caps for fingernails. Ewwwwwwww.   

    Okay, so to be fair, this ISN'T MINE. I'm pretty convinced it's a prop from my one-time roommate (and all-time awesome friend) Dara's production of a play called The Marriage of Heaven and Hell.**** But try explaining that to Ron and his new roommate, Chad, who now think I'm a sick, twisted weirdo. Which I am, but for TOTALLY DIFFERENT REASONS!

    It's kind of funny, in a way, because years ago my landlord's son, Raffi (who mostly manages my previous apartment building) told my neighbor and friend, Carl, that I was really kinky.

    When Carl told me this I was appalled.

    "Why?" I asked, properly horrified.

    "Because, he said he came to your door and you answered it wearing a blond wig and a black, leather outfit."

    Here's a visual, in case you can't picture it:

Creepy creature in leather.

    I said to Carl that it couldn't have been me: all of my wigs have been packed away since college theatre days and I can rarely afford real leather ANYTHING. But Raffi's always treated me funny, so I'm guessing it didn't matter what I said. In his head, I'll always be a bleach-blonde sadomasochist.**

    The truth is, this terrifying creature isn't mine, and it makes me desperately miss Dara. 

    That’s all I’ve got for now, as my brain is close to dead. 

*From Willow (Ron Howard, 1988). Like, before Ron Howard was a big time, splashy director. One of the best movies EVER MADE. And Warwick Davis is still going strong! Hooray!

**Coincidentally, in college I had to do a term project for one of my French classes. I made a children's book about the Marquis de Sade. I just thought it would be funny. I'm not into that shit. Ew. Not that I'm judging.

***As a final note, in no way related to the above: it's really sad news that Davy Jones died. He was pretty great. "Oh what could it mean to a daydream believer and a homecoming queen?" Sigh.

****Correction, the puppet is from Dara's production of A Vast Wreck. The puppet played a little boy and was hand-crafted by a master puppeteer, thus giving it clout and history. Awesome.